


Sam (contemplation)

by kisahawklin



Series: Character Studies [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Character Study, First Kiss, Fluff, M/M, Talking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-06 18:00:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,389
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4231437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kisahawklin/pseuds/kisahawklin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam figures out what he and Cas might be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sam (contemplation)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [HeyJessie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeyJessie/gifts).



> Companion piece to the Dean one. I thought I might do three of them, but I wasn't sure what relationship to use with Cas, so for now, it's just these two. Might actually follow this one up with a little smut and/or cuddling because I like Sastiel a lot and there really needs to be more smut and cuddling.
> 
> This one for HeyJessie too because I probably wouldn't have finished it otherwise.

~~~

For a moment, Sam is completely dumbfounded. 

Sam thinks a lot. He can't help it, his brain is always on, and it naturally worries at whatever problems are at hand. When he needs a break from that, or if there (blessedly) aren't any current problems, he thinks about other things. It used to be the future; what he'd do when he got out. How he'd get Dean out. What they might do with the rest of their lives, how they might build a background story good enough to settle down somewhere. Whether or not Dean could do it without him.

He hasn't thought about the future in a long, long time. It's obvious Dean can't live without him, and Sam won't try to leave again. He knows he's a hostage to this not-entirely-healthy relationship they have, but he loves his brother and it's his turn to take care of Dean. His father might not have believed it of him, Dean might not even believe it, but he's a good brother. He's given up on getting anything else out of this life.

That's why it's such a surprise that when his thoughts turn to Cas. He thinks maybe he could love Cas. It's the end of a rambling train of thought, a weird, hiccupping journey through the things he'll never have that he has always desperately wanted – a home that doesn't have four wheels and a trunk full of weapons, a dog, a wife, children. He mourns the loss of that future, the only one where he sees a fulfilling relationship with someone who's not his brother.

And he briefly thinks of Jody, of Donna, of other women hunters they know and thinks... maybe if there was someone in the life? Maybe he could love them, and they could be together, with Dean as the third wheel for once. Dean would always have Cas anyway.

And then the thought crosses his mind, three or four different things coming together ("What about Sastiel?") and weaving a surprisingly intricate tapestry. Castiel, angel of the lord. He and Cas, they could be something together. 

The most surprising part is the way his breath catches the instant he thinks of it. Hope, possibility. He is utterly gobsmacked for a minute, poking at the new idea like a sore tooth, trying to figure out if this is something he should have seen before.

It's a completely new thought, though – he can feel the way his body responds to the news, the lightness in his chest and the slackness in his face. He's never thought of Cas this way before. He's never thought of any man this way, and until about ten seconds ago, he hadn't ever had reason to question his sexuality – not like he's questioned Dean's, for years. 

And maybe he still doesn't. When it comes down to it, angels are non-gendered beings. Cas's current body is male, but Castiel the angelic entity doesn't have gender. 

Sam drops that train of thought. He knows a hamster wheel when he feels one – his mind will go around in circles trying to figure out the finer details of Cas's gender and his own sexuality and he can already see there are no real answers there. 

He pushes the thoughts away and changes tack. Would Castiel, angel of the lord, be interested in such a human thing as a relationship? He knows Cas has had sex as a human, but he vaguely wonders if it is like food, where angelic Castiel can't appreciate it the way human Cas did. Sam thinks about it and decides he could live without sex, if he has to. It's not like he's had a whole lot in recent years, and his libido is at about the lowest ebb possible – it's just the last thing on his mind. He can deal without that part of it, if it comes to that. But having Cas as a confidant, someone he can talk to, let all of these rambling thoughts out of his brain to... he can't deny how appealing that is, and he and Cas have come a long way in their relationship. Cas probably wouldn't find it weird if he asked. 

"Whatcha thinking about?" Dean asks, and Sam starts, looking across the front seat at his brother. He can feel the confusion on his face, and Dean raises a shoulder in a half-hearted shrug. "Intensity. You're thinking about something _really hard_."

Sam's impressed, though he knows he shouldn't be. Dean knows him better than anyone, has watched him think nearly every thought he's ever had. He decides to be forthright, for a change. It's usually the worst way to deal with Dean, but there's a lot of teasing in his future about this, and it'll be easier to handle if he's open about it.

"I think I'm gonna ask Cas out."

It's supremely gratifying to see the shocked look on Dean's face, one that mirrors his own utter disbelief when the idea'd dropped into his lap. 

"What?" 

It's a little menacing, that _what_ , which is Dean's natural reaction to anything that blindsides him.

"You heard me." He lets Dean sit with it. If he doesn't force it, Dean will think through most of the stuff Sam just got through and come out the other side relatively intact. 

After a minute Dean asks, "Is this something I should have known about before?" and Sam can't help laughing. 

"I don't know how. I didn't even know about it until two minutes ago."

"Oh. Okay." Dean lapses into silence and Sam leaves him to it. 

A moment later, Sam's phone rings. It's Cas. Dean looks guilty. "What did you do?" Sam demands, ignoring his answer to pick up the call. "Cas," he says, trying to calm the butterflies that have appeared out of nowhere in his stomach. "What's up?"

_"I thought I might ask you that question. Both you and your brother thought of me intensely a moment ago."_

Sam closes his eyes. Suddenly this doesn't seem like a good idea. When he opens his eyes again, Dean is giving him a "man up" kind of gesture and Sam bites the bullet. "Yeah, I need to talk to you." When Cas doesn't answer immediately, Sam groans internally and adds, "In person."

 _"Okay,"_ Cas agrees. He always agrees. It makes Sam a little sad. _"Where are you?"_

"Somewhere in Nebraska. We'll be back at the bunker in four hours or so."

_"I can be there tomorrow. Is that soon enough?"_

Sam laughs, unable to help it. It's not funny; it's actually enough to turn his stomach that Castiel, the angel of the lord, is literally at their beck and call. He doesn't know how Cas would get to them sooner without his wings, but he's sure Cas would find a way. "It's no rush," Sam says, because he's never felt guilty about asking Cas to meet them somewhere before. "If you're doing something important…" Dean rolls his eyes like he thinks Sam's chickening out. Sam flips him off.

 _"Nothing that can't wait,"_ Cas says. _"I'll see you tomorrow."_

"Great," Sam answers, ignoring the strange feeling of butterflies in his stomach. He hasn't had that feeling since Jess. That seems like a good sign. "See you then."

~~~

Dean's walking into the main room with a sandwich and a cup of coffee when Cas comes in. He turns around and heads right back into the kitchen, sparing Sam a brief "go get 'em tiger" smile in the half-second he catches Sam's eye.

"Sam," Cas says, heading straight for him, fast enough that Sam takes a step back instinctively. "What is the problem?"

"Whoa, slow down," Sam says, indicating a chair and taking a seat himself. "There's no problem." 

"Then why did you call me here?" 

Cas sounds annoyed, which is about the worst possible way to start this conversation. Sam swallows. Everything in him wants to take this as an out, excuse Cas to go do whatever angel business he has to take care of and let this idea die a swift, painful death. Then he thinks of the teasing he will get from Dean for the rest of his life and decides a lingering painful life is probably worse.

"I'm sorry – I told you it wasn't urgent."

Cas purses his lips like he can't really believe Sam would call him for something non-urgent. Suddenly Sam's sad again at the way Cas fits into their lives, coming any time they call, there to give them any assistance they could ask for. He thinks Dean would be upset about this, too, if he thought about it even in passing. "It's nothing," Sam says, offering Cas the out because it seems like the kind thing to do, Dean's teasing be damned. "If you have somewhere else you have to be…"

Cas squints at him like he's trying to figure out if Sam is lying. He supposes that's only fair – he and Dean aren't particularly good at the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. 

"Just tell me why you called me here," Cas says, looking exasperated.

Sam suddenly wants to know what, exactly, Cas is doing with his time away from them. He knows he traveled with another angel for a while, but that she went back to Heaven, and they haven't really talked about Heaven since. "It's not urgent," Sam tries again, following up with, "what's going on with you, Cas? What have you been up to lately?"

"Sam," Cas says, his jaw set in a way that Sam knows is annoyance held in check. He's seen Cas level that look at Dean a thousand times. "I am busy, I don't have time for –"

"Busy doing what?" Sam asks. 

Cas stares at him, like he can't process Sam's question. Sam pushes his luck and asks another. "Anything we can do to help?"

The look of confusion Cas gives him is hilarious, and Sam can't keep the smile off his face. "I'm serious," Sam says. "We'll help if we can."

"Th… Thank you, Sam," Cas stutters, tilting his head the way he used to do all the time when he was figuring out human stuff. It's been a while since he's done it, and it's a punch to the gut, how much Sam misses that innocence.

"So?" Sam asks, and Cas looks away, suddenly seeming shy.

"I… Heaven…" Cas stops and looks around the room, like he's trying to figure out if it's all real. "Where's Dean?"

Now it's Sam's turn to be nervous. "He, uh," he glances at the door to the kitchen, trying to figure out if Dean is eavesdropping. Probably. "He's having lunch."

"By himself?" 

Sam shrugs. "We don't actually eat together most of the time if we're here. Different tastes, you know." 

"Yes, but… what did you call me for?" Cas turns back to Sam, having found his way back to the original conversation. "You said you needed me here."

Sam takes a deep breath. No more avoidance. He clears his throat. "Okay." He wipes his hands on his jeans a couple of times. Suddenly his palms are sweating. "I wanted to…" 

He really has not thought this through. What is he doing, asking Cas on a date? Asking Cas to be his boyfriend, or fuckbuddy, or confidant? How do you ask people to be those things, anyway? 

He starts again, stopping his dizzying train of thought and looking Cas in the eye. "I was thinking… about…"

He swallows. Suddenly he feels like Dean, completely at a loss for words that even resemble the English language. "I was thinking about our relationship."

Ugh. It sounds like he's in the middle of a bad romance novel.

"Our relationship," Cas repeats. "Whose relationship, specifically?"

That takes Sam back a step. Who else would he be talking about, they're the only ones here! And then he realizes Cas is lumping Dean in with him, thinking of Cas and Sam'n'Dean, and Sam has got to nip that in the bud _right_ now.

"Mine and yours," he says. "Just you and me, the two of us." He hears a snort from the kitchen that means that Dean is _definitely_ eavesdropping and he will never hear the end of this.

"What about it?" Cas asks, and that really is the question, isn't it? 

Sam clears his throat again. "I, uh, I thought maybe you might consider…" He closes his eyes, rolling them at himself. This is terrible, it was an awful idea, and he doesn't have a clue what the hell he was thinking.

Before he can backpeddle, though, Cas says, "Of course."

Sam blinks at him. Of course, _what?_ "Of course?" he asks.

Cas just continues to meet his eyes, unflinching. "Of course I will consider whatever you propose," Cas says. "I would think that would go without saying, but you seem nervous, so I thought I would attempt to reassure you."

Sam opens his mouth to say something at that, but absolutely nothing comes to mind. "Uh, thank you?" he says, because he appreciates the fact that Cas will always take him seriously, and that is something Dean only does if he absolutely has to, or if Sam has information about a case.

The thought firms Sam's resolve. That was the point of this whole exercise. He needs someone in his life who isn't _Dean_. He loves his brother, but he needs another voice in his head, one that hasn't judged him and found him wanting as often as Dean has.

"Thanks, Cas," Sam says again, his sense of purpose restored. "I appreciate it. And what I was thinking is that maybe we could try something more…"

Intimate? That would probably work for Cas, but Dean is listening, and he knows that Dean would think Sam meant sex, and the laughter Sam can imagine coming out of the kitchen would kill the whole mood. 

Romantic might work, but that would be worse, especially since it is actually further away from what Sam really wants. 

Cas is still watching him, waiting patiently for him to finish his sentence. Sam shakes his head, decides Dean can go soak and says, "I'd like to try a more intimate relationship with you."

Cas doesn't move for a long moment, and Sam's wondering if he is going to have to repeat himself, or explain in detail, or rephrase, when Dean's voice comes from the kitchen. "He wants you to kiss him, Cas."

Sam's eyes go wide, because that's not at all what he meant – or far from all of it, anyway, but Cas has taken Dean's suggestion seriously and stalks over to Sam in three determined strides. He leans down, putting his hands on the arms of the chair Sam's sitting in and getting right in Sam's face.

"Do you want me to kiss you?" Cas asks, and the way Sam's heart is trying to beat its way out of his chest, he thinks the answer is probably yes.

"I would like that," Sam says, continuing before Cas can act on it, "but I meant more than that."

"Sex?" Cas asks, and Dean's laughter echoes out into the room. He isn't even trying to cover it up.

"I'd like that too," Sam says, putting a hand on Cas's chest to give him room to get out the important parts of his argument. "But I meant more than that, even. Physical intimacy is nice, if you want to, but I meant emotional intimacy. An emotional support system, someone who will listen when you need to talk."

Sam keeps flicking his eyes up to Cas's, alternating between trying to meet his penetrating gaze and staring down at his lips, which are suddenly _right there_ and Sam's a little annoyed he didn't take Cas up on his offer and leave the rest of the negotiations until later. He hasn't kissed anyone in a really long time and Cas smells enticingly good.

"You want to listen to me talk," Cas says, quietly, his breath ghosting over Sam's face. 

Sam's dick perks up and he thinks he could probably come from listening to Cas talk. "Among other things," Sam says. "There's a lot of things I'd like to do with you, Cas."

Cas hums, smiling as he continues to stare. "You find my company appealing?"

Sam smiles, meeting Cas's eyes because suddenly this is easy. He was right, he and Cas do fit together, can be something to each other outside of Dean. "Yeah, Cas, I find everything about you appealing."

That makes Cas smile, a broad grin that Sam can't remember ever seeing on his face. "I find you appealing as well, Sam Winchester."

 _Thank God_ , Sam thinks, though he wants to be as clear as possible – no making asses out of anyone with assumptions. "Cas, just so you know…"

Cas tilts his head at Sam and raises an eyebrow. It's mischievous, that look, and Sam licks his lips apprehensively. "I know you talked about things as an angel, how they're different."

The eyebrow quirks even higher, as if doubtful about what Sam's saying. 

"I just want you to know that I can live without the physical part of this if it's –"

Cas, apparently, is done talking. His lips are on Sam's and his hands are framing Sam's face, and Sam is one thousand percent on board with this, meeting Cas halfway, wrapping his arms around Cas's back and sucking his tongue. Things get really out of control really fast, though, and all thoughts of long discussions about history or literature have flown out the window as Sam tries to get more access to Cas's mouth.

It's just not enough, though, Cas controlling too much of their kiss by how much he holds himself over Sam, keeping himself just out of Sam's reach. Sam's had it with that, though, so he pushes up, forcing Cas to back up as he gets out of the chair, and then forcing Cas to look up at him. 

Cas doesn't look too put out about that. He smiles up at Sam, and suddenly Sam wants to be in the driver's seat, so he pulls Cas in, settling his hands comfortably on Cas's shoulders and rubbing a thumb along the tendon in his neck as he bends down to capture Cas's mouth. 

Cas responds easily, tilting his head just so and fitting their mouths together perfectly, his hands creeping under Sam's shirt and sliding around to Sam's back, holding on tight. Cas is perfectly responsive, his breath hitching when Sam kisses his neck and hits a spot that's particularly sensitive. He hadn't expected Cas's vessel to be that sensitive, but maybe Cas can choose what sensations he experiences. 

The thought stops Sam cold. His vessel. He hasn't thought about Jimmy Novak for years, not as more than an abstract concept; not even when they were dealing with Claire. Suddenly everything about this makes him nauseous.

"Cas," Sam says, grabbing Cas's wrists and pulling his hands away. "Cas, I can't…" He struggles with the words, forcing them out in a stilted cadence. "I can't do anything physical when…" He looks Cas up and down. "…when Jimmy is trapped inside his own head."

Cas takes his hands out of Sam's and turns around, presenting his back to Sam. "Jimmy's no longer in here, Sam."

"Oh." Sam's not sure how he feels about that information. "That's… complicated."

Cas nods. "When Lucifer… disintegrated us. Jimmy was sent to Heaven."

Sam frowns. He remembers the feeling of Lucifer snapping his fingers and Cas being crushed with his grace. He remembers the grief at his friend's death, at his inability to get Lucifer under control. "And when you came back, you were what? Given Jimmy's meatsuit?"

Cas shrugs. "This human form contains only me now. I suppose it is mine, in a manner of speaking. I'm not sure why the human form I was given still resembles Jimmy." He sighs. "I understand if this changes how you feel."

Sam lets his breath out slowly. This is exactly what he wanted with Cas, someone to actually talk about these things with, to work them out together, without judgment.

"Nah," Sam says, grinning. "Let's just go settle in on my bed. We have a lot to talk about and Dean probably wants to leave the kitchen at some point today."

~~~


End file.
